surprised.

I'm surprised that i no longer wait for an ideal world, for a ideal love for an ideal job and an ideal society, to get life started with. This makes me finally come back to home a long deserted place.
There is ofcourse struggle in maintaining life there, the same patriarchal home with the same father always trying to get his share of dominance and "loyalty" from daughters and son and always feling betrayed by a non conforming wife.
But iam not the same with them, my mother who has identified with me in my search for self has a different phase in her life, enjoying a retirement life with grandchild.
I don't know whether its a beginning of conformity in my life, whether i'm being like a socially accepted mother letting myslef be in an accepted profession for which i try hard, thinking of topics and reading based on reserch proposals.
It al started with death of sudeep's mother, somebody whom i always wanted to help in her struggle agaist the patriarchal home, somebody for whom life meant freedom and love and was ready to ask it from life only towards the end of it.
I thought i will secure my self somwhere and would come back to be with her because ours were different positions, she had hatred and contempt for men who dominates whereas i approached them ac victims.
It shocked me to fine that life can end all of a sudden without fulfilling the result of will power, i thought will power is the only thing one needs and, what all stupidities i had in mind i dont know.
Fear of another shock ,another fullstop without having any fruit for all struggles, took me to madness. Deep inside i feel defeated by her death, and will go on feeling the same if my mother too end up like that.
I changed my attitude towards home and has stopped demanding more than what it can possible afford. I see it as a space where three women have proclaimed freedom, my mother, me and my sister.
It is hence a space of conflict, a battle fiel indeed, and brains in this space are likely to explode if restlessness continues.I think i should start giving that space a pause from its constant uncertainities.