language

Its so important to have a language in which one can recognise oneself, after a dear space's lose one tend to die, i'm in search of my language,,, the silence that i keep these dats from blogs is partially due to frustration of being unable to put myself in language knowable to others,,,
Changes from onw phase to another has also brought loses os dear selves and friends with it...and i tried to put them into a box and mourn for them at times in another blog, but it doesn't end there.i have to go on compensating the loses.
The beginning of new reflections has its beauty but its not as beautiful as it used to be, because i know now it will also pass and "we" will become strangers one fine morning and will have to search for the other's beauty with much effort if at all we make an attempt.its not sense of lose but...

Before interdependance

Interdependance in a state of independance is possible but for those who has not dared being independant...?interdependance was something i dreamt of before attaining necessary independance.
Now i feel like byuilding myself alone,so i undertook a sanyasa last two three weeks, now slowly back to everyone, ready to communicate. So what is that i felt just before hte sanyasam:
I'm caught in the web of people who know me.
"the knowable individual has been the individual caught in relations of power, as that creature who is to be trained, corrected, supervised, controlled"
It irritates me.
It drains me.

So this is where i began, then a certain introspection:
I dont know how i'm with others. I use power over them who positions themselves "helpless" and seek guidance? is it exercise of power? So how to treat a person when she/he seems to lose way?

How all i survived those phases of chaos when all i knew was i want freedom...?
I positioned myself inferior to somebody in whom i had trust. i had adapted a child pose and then sought protection....and when i have to shange it and break free...ok than i need to undergo certain moments of silence and recreation, so so and so...

y do they .....

whenever i refer to somebody as "they"
it had a negative assosiation.
I felt inside a problem with the term
a kind of division,,,proclamation of division.
I got rid of it recently.
how?????????
i dint meet a sigle person who reflects my lack, depth and width and say, all dimentions.
And when it differs, as when the path is different
or when the vision is different
or when the aim is different
when the search is different
when the soul is at different stages of (Feelings?)
when it all differs, there ought to be fences, y did Frost say u dont necessasarily have to have fence? or did i misunderstand him? i thought he was as foolish as me?

y do they .....

whenever i refer to somebody as "they"
it had a negative assosiation.
I felt inside a problem with the term
a kind of division,,,proclamation of division.
I got rid of it recently.
how?????????
i dint meet a sigle person who reflects my lack, depth and width and say, all dimentions.
And when it differs, as when the path is different
or when the vision is different
or when the aim is different
when the search is different
when the soul is at different stages of (Feelings?)
when it all differs, there ought to be fences, y did Frost say u dont necessasarily have to have fence? or did i misunderstand him? i thought he was as foolish as me?

No more ... whose sreejitha is no more?

As we move on
we assemble certain identies and discard some,
or all?
Some of my identifications with the
recorded acts of sages and of poets, philosophers etc made them feel i'm one of them.
some of them having similarities with the political people
called left liberalists? or feminists?
may be they felt i'm one reflecting them.

Hey, what is this?
Am i acting into the traps?
or just listening to myself?

last time i lived the life of jude, the obscure
when was it i lived Anna Karenina,
and once not so long past
i lived
Wuthering heights, surfacing.
I knew immense possibilities of
living a life of amnesia.
i forgot to live myself.
to sort out the real real obstacles for my being.

So here i'm back to sort
to name
to organize

So now i have likes and dislikes, hights and gutters without lables...?.

i repent

i repent all the word spoken
all the ways proposed
i repent all the mournings felt hard
and the promises
or moments
i calim no past
for the past has gone without witing for me
or for my shadow even
i gave in,
i gave in fruitfull to the fresh
and the fresh is in the soil
will to flourish
and grow wild
seeds of hidden truth,i dig not
and let me lay bare, let the breeze be gentle.

do not think for me, do not follow me just be with me.

towards a harmonious existence......
i thought hard
and realised
it's not in me, it's when your inner being resists something that you have to think hard about it, if it was there as it is, i dont have to think of it and invite in to my life.
May be i will have to start as a quite selfish existence.
so forget all that is spoken about me, by me, and be with me if you want to
know or love me and please forgive me all the guidance i have given you in weak moments

so friends, i give no guidance coz i'm conflict itslef.

like when you say you disagree and still love how is it applicable to passionate relationship?

passion

It is when i try to name it or describe it that things are in a mess.

passion is one thing which need not be discussed
but as an analytical person(?)
or as a person with an academic self(?)
or a political(?)..... to satisfy,
i do this and get into hell.

I tried to shut that door of a feminist or activist or whatever where i need explanation for all.
It is not even explanation, it is more like a need to translate into the langauges known.
when my friend sys,
passion is always an inner cry for help
for the end of passion
and for peace,

feminism and love to me, forming me.

Being able to love.

[It's all a matter of strength. With weakness, it is not possible to support oneself. In order to love one has to stop living on others( economically, emotionally, biologically,intellectually, spiritually, etc)]

Such kind of a love was thwarted under my heart. If i remember it rightit began at the age of thirteen, when i was staying with my old and deaf grandmother at a beautiful place in wayanad, called ambalavayal,in the company of ruffling leaves and rubber woods.
My grey grnadmother spend all her time reading and re-reading the pulp fictions that they used to rotate in neighbourhoods. They could access more than five or six magazines every week since they were careful to buy the one the neighbour doesn't buy.
That was whn i was with myself, divine grace through the image of Christ used to lighten my heart and i thought inner that i will become Christ's bride, i thought there are children inside me and they will grow with me and once iw will give birth to them, ( at what age?)
well. After one or twl years, my parents become suddenly aware that "I'm grow up" and they forced me to be baqck to the city where my father had erned a low class income and the house was without a fence and in the centre of city.
In front of the house was a film talkies(we dont call it theatre as it is a smaller version of one, and used to run with the adult only pictures or Rajnikanth films).There were crowd all the time all males...
THE CONSTANT PRESENCE OF EYES that capture, confine and rape- seemed irrational at first. Irrational as it is , it exists! And that existence grew into threat weakening my mind, checking my grwoth, hindering my ways.
I grew grayer than my grandmother at the age of fifteen and made myself deafer than her. I CLOSED MYSELF AGAIST THE WORLD. And my YOUTH flourished in my undergarments with a sens of betreyal. I resented being a girl i resented my growth and and i resented all that I was supposed to love.
I thought all girls are like that and found betrayed again when they grew with such enthusiasm to become one among them, i cries and the criew were chocked again since i was asked to be "mature".
Years later when they ask me whetehr i'm a creative writer or an activist, when they probe into my identity i'm getting drowned into the that deafening world and say to myself i might be a complex existence that wanted to scream against the choking factors. And as long as it exists around me I am NOTHING ELSE.
yOU CANNOT FIGHT while living, unless you become totally identified to that fight. Unless i dedicate myself to the cause of feminism or marxism
unless i translate all my deeds into the terms of these isms, i cannot call my gith complete.
Unless i start living for myself i cannot be able to love.

The moment one start living for oneself one ebcomes able to feel the rights of others
Kindness flows from within and all you can do is to love and enjoy. All kinds of contrasts are against it.