growth

Growth is many sided.
My focus has been on emotion.
By choice or chance, not sure.

Anyways its almost fulfilled now.

I feel and am balanced, that's it, that's enough.

finally i got rid of the obsession about my son, sister and mom..am quoting an earlier blog post.:

(Married to:
My marriage
will have ceremony.
My mother will accompany me
till the earth(with a wreath?)
She will lend me to the earth's cradle
slowly to be degenerated and might murmer
"come back"
I must be happy
to die atleast once for her
coz, I never died in life(for anyone).
never married.
My mother will have a chance
to leave me
to lose me as she ever dreamt, to say she's got her daughter married to.)

But i got married some months back..
And am harmonious with life.
No more such fears of losing myself and self in marriage /relationship.

I am grown up to manage them.
and to have pleasures and pains
not being stuck as pain.



Finally i feel free and back to me or as just born free... quite accidentally today is my birthday..

Read two favorite authors..Atwood and Lessing.

create

you, the source of delight, my friends, are that voice which never ceases, which always rain over me, never letting me be absorbed in dryness.It needs great strength to turn my faces from you, to look at anything else, a book or any other work of art.When you live here, walking the dream holding your precious love in bright eyes, it's always you my near human harts that i reads.
when do i read the print?
not when my mind is loaded, noisy.
I talk to the print more than listen.
i never let it say anything.
All the efforts these days are put in making it possible to listen to letters.
So much lonely a place in heart is needed for that
I'm searching for that inner space where i never meet you all.
And not just to be there, but to enjoy,
never be suffocating.
just another for of creativity.

The privacy of a place,where your parents don't follow your words.where your senses cheat you to fall into nonsense at every turn.where you achieve ultimate misunderstandings more than what you gain in cities. Mastering the privacy in an alien City is different You don't achieve it till you know that your attempts to master the city language works.till you realise you, now, know the routes... the signs, the symbols.

to reshma, sudeep and ramlath

Where did I stop brooding over others?
Planning words with care ...
spending time not to hurt?
Now stare at me!
Stories dances
it bleeds and violates.
U fall
n I fall in it too,
with what language wud
I tell u that they r false
creations of truths.
one of the truths
when it is highlighted..
i can call it false and can join you
but still i love you.

"krishnamanikku"

In my second world we have wings, not to fly
just to hold each other close, warm and safe.

Everything is seems to be dissolved under the wings

I have no eyelids
just a set of wings

under which you sleep free, till eternity

writing

Why did i take break from writing? what was my expectation
from a language of my own?
FOr an answer I will have to go back to flux: the stage of flux demanded chaos. It made it explicit that I will not give you any fixed project. I myself have kept me far from an organized entity. That is not for ever, I have to try to gather my self at one point of time. That's why I have started another blog reflectiong yet another state of being where I will make attempts to find more effective tools to live and write and free.
Freeying myself. Liberating myself, is a euphemism for splitting me into too many parts and sending each one to different worlds without owning me. or is it that when i own myself i can take the liberty to give myself anywhere?

I have to resolve it and state because it hurts many.

It hurts me when I have to tell some dear one to hold, I belong nowhere, being everywhere.

Series 3

This is a story not intended to be so, but turned out to be while I try to write the facts. This is also something that contains omissions to a large extend which of deliberate and accident in nature.
Just to list one kind of omission: I have to write here now, the content of some phone calls, cartain meetings and letters which i am unable to do for lack of techniques to present it in a way not to violate privacy.
So I have talked to people who are so vibrant and hopeful , to people who thinks these are ofcourse vain attempts, to people who are critically analising but at the same time investing hard in this endevour.
There were opinions that the people involved are extremely different in their perceptions or at least in the specific point from where they might begin, if given a chance. Some concluded that it will surely be dispersed in no time.
There were comments that this has to get formed since there ought to be a voice other than certain people who by themselves constitute feminism of kerala. There was this history of someone having attempted to raise such a forum and failed last year.