surprised.

I'm surprised that i no longer wait for an ideal world, for a ideal love for an ideal job and an ideal society, to get life started with. This makes me finally come back to home a long deserted place.
There is ofcourse struggle in maintaining life there, the same patriarchal home with the same father always trying to get his share of dominance and "loyalty" from daughters and son and always feling betrayed by a non conforming wife.
But iam not the same with them, my mother who has identified with me in my search for self has a different phase in her life, enjoying a retirement life with grandchild.
I don't know whether its a beginning of conformity in my life, whether i'm being like a socially accepted mother letting myslef be in an accepted profession for which i try hard, thinking of topics and reading based on reserch proposals.
It al started with death of sudeep's mother, somebody whom i always wanted to help in her struggle agaist the patriarchal home, somebody for whom life meant freedom and love and was ready to ask it from life only towards the end of it.
I thought i will secure my self somwhere and would come back to be with her because ours were different positions, she had hatred and contempt for men who dominates whereas i approached them ac victims.
It shocked me to fine that life can end all of a sudden without fulfilling the result of will power, i thought will power is the only thing one needs and, what all stupidities i had in mind i dont know.
Fear of another shock ,another fullstop without having any fruit for all struggles, took me to madness. Deep inside i feel defeated by her death, and will go on feeling the same if my mother too end up like that.
I changed my attitude towards home and has stopped demanding more than what it can possible afford. I see it as a space where three women have proclaimed freedom, my mother, me and my sister.
It is hence a space of conflict, a battle fiel indeed, and brains in this space are likely to explode if restlessness continues.I think i should start giving that space a pause from its constant uncertainities.

language

Its so important to have a language in which one can recognise oneself, after a dear space's lose one tend to die, i'm in search of my language,,, the silence that i keep these dats from blogs is partially due to frustration of being unable to put myself in language knowable to others,,,
Changes from onw phase to another has also brought loses os dear selves and friends with it...and i tried to put them into a box and mourn for them at times in another blog, but it doesn't end there.i have to go on compensating the loses.
The beginning of new reflections has its beauty but its not as beautiful as it used to be, because i know now it will also pass and "we" will become strangers one fine morning and will have to search for the other's beauty with much effort if at all we make an attempt.its not sense of lose but...

Before interdependance

Interdependance in a state of independance is possible but for those who has not dared being independant...?interdependance was something i dreamt of before attaining necessary independance.
Now i feel like byuilding myself alone,so i undertook a sanyasa last two three weeks, now slowly back to everyone, ready to communicate. So what is that i felt just before hte sanyasam:
I'm caught in the web of people who know me.
"the knowable individual has been the individual caught in relations of power, as that creature who is to be trained, corrected, supervised, controlled"
It irritates me.
It drains me.

So this is where i began, then a certain introspection:
I dont know how i'm with others. I use power over them who positions themselves "helpless" and seek guidance? is it exercise of power? So how to treat a person when she/he seems to lose way?

How all i survived those phases of chaos when all i knew was i want freedom...?
I positioned myself inferior to somebody in whom i had trust. i had adapted a child pose and then sought protection....and when i have to shange it and break free...ok than i need to undergo certain moments of silence and recreation, so so and so...

y do they .....

whenever i refer to somebody as "they"
it had a negative assosiation.
I felt inside a problem with the term
a kind of division,,,proclamation of division.
I got rid of it recently.
how?????????
i dint meet a sigle person who reflects my lack, depth and width and say, all dimentions.
And when it differs, as when the path is different
or when the vision is different
or when the aim is different
when the search is different
when the soul is at different stages of (Feelings?)
when it all differs, there ought to be fences, y did Frost say u dont necessasarily have to have fence? or did i misunderstand him? i thought he was as foolish as me?

y do they .....

whenever i refer to somebody as "they"
it had a negative assosiation.
I felt inside a problem with the term
a kind of division,,,proclamation of division.
I got rid of it recently.
how?????????
i dint meet a sigle person who reflects my lack, depth and width and say, all dimentions.
And when it differs, as when the path is different
or when the vision is different
or when the aim is different
when the search is different
when the soul is at different stages of (Feelings?)
when it all differs, there ought to be fences, y did Frost say u dont necessasarily have to have fence? or did i misunderstand him? i thought he was as foolish as me?

No more ... whose sreejitha is no more?

As we move on
we assemble certain identies and discard some,
or all?
Some of my identifications with the
recorded acts of sages and of poets, philosophers etc made them feel i'm one of them.
some of them having similarities with the political people
called left liberalists? or feminists?
may be they felt i'm one reflecting them.

Hey, what is this?
Am i acting into the traps?
or just listening to myself?

last time i lived the life of jude, the obscure
when was it i lived Anna Karenina,
and once not so long past
i lived
Wuthering heights, surfacing.
I knew immense possibilities of
living a life of amnesia.
i forgot to live myself.
to sort out the real real obstacles for my being.

So here i'm back to sort
to name
to organize

So now i have likes and dislikes, hights and gutters without lables...?.

i repent

i repent all the word spoken
all the ways proposed
i repent all the mournings felt hard
and the promises
or moments
i calim no past
for the past has gone without witing for me
or for my shadow even
i gave in,
i gave in fruitfull to the fresh
and the fresh is in the soil
will to flourish
and grow wild
seeds of hidden truth,i dig not
and let me lay bare, let the breeze be gentle.